Monday, December 13, 2004

Move Against AIDS 2004: Return of the Dance-A-Thon / Javits Center / Dec. 11, 2004

“Dance” and “marathon” are words not usually associated with someone like myself (i.e. an out of shape, pasty-white geek with no rhythm and even less stamina). Nevertheless, due to some serious peer pressure from Caryn and Daphne, I found myself at the Javits Center last night attempting an approximation of what I believe the young folk these days call “shaking that thang.” All in the name of raising money for AIDS research.

Beverly Bond started the evening off by spinning “We Will Rock You,” a song that even I know is better suited to baseball stadiums than dance floors. But then she switched to “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” and all was forgiven. Her set consisted of mostly current hip hop hits, with the occasional Prince or Michael Jackson song. I tried to get low with Lil Jon, get my eagle on with Nelly and lean back with Terror Squad, but from the looks people were giving me, I don’t think I was doing any of them quite right.

Does anybody remember what 3LW’s hit was? Me either, and that’s after watching them perform AND reading their All Music Guide entry. They did a little dance to “Goodies”, lip-synched a couple of tunes, and performed something called “the down south booty bounce.” One girl wore a one-piece jumpsuit that zipped up the front. It looked like baby pajamas. Another wore a tank top with a pocket over each breast. Yikes. But even with those outfits, watching them bounce around made me feel fat and lazy.

Then one of the Queer Eye guys (Jay, maybe? I’ve never watched the show) introduced Danny Tenaglia. Not really my thing. We vacated the dance floor after listening to Madonna say “ladies with an attitude” over and over a thousand times, and took a break. When we returned, Tony Touch was spinning more hip hop hits, which meant “Lean Back” and “Drop It Like It’s Hot” again, as well as New Edition’s “Poison” and the same Prince song (“Kiss”) we’d heard earlier.

But Tony had a little surprise for us. No sooner had I finally worked myself into some sort of groove, then he suddenly dropped “Seven Nation Army.” Everybody kind of stopped what they were doing and looked around awkwardly. “This is the least sexy thing I’ve ever danced to,” Daphne said. Then “Smells Like Teen Spirit” came on. I couldn’t hear what she said next, but I think it was “Oh no wait, I take that back.” The crowd seemed pretty pumped for “Teen Spirit,” though. Everybody jumped up and down in unison.

When Wilson Cruz came on stage, I got really excited, so I yelled “Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!” He introduced Kevin Aviance, who, from far away, I at first thought was Grace Jones, then RuPaul. He was wearing a feathered headdress and a feathery coat, a corset and a thong exposing his rock-hard ass. I was overwhelmed with the urge to get down on the floor and do sets of butt crunches right there.

I can’t remember the sequence of events for the rest of the night, but here’s what happened: Ricky took his shirt off. Alan Cumming talked about using “con doms” (yes, he split the word in half like that). Rosie Perez gave a shout out to all the breeders in the house. Some guy breathed fire on a side stage. Martha Wash sang “It’s Raining Men” and some other song. Rosie Perez praised Martha Wash by dissing “all those non-singing bitches” (uh oh, 3LW!) Peter Rauhofer and Junior Vasquez both spun the same Destiny’s Child remix. (Apparently, it was a big deal that Danny Tenaglia and Junior Vasquez were on the same bill, since they hate each other or something.)

Then we went home and I used WebMD to diagnose myself with Plantar Fascitis.